Season of Cheer . . .

I love Christmas I always have. I remember as a little girl walking around the neighborhood looking for pine branches to make into Christmas trees. I would spend most of my pocket money on cotton wool to make snowflakes (weird I have never even seen Christmas flakes). We would play my parents old Jim Reeves records on Christmas and listen to “I am dreaming of a white Christmas” not even sure what a white Christmas was. In those days we were assured of a great time with our cousins in family get togethers and Christmas ran for a week with party after party. Talk about a Christmas spirit. Even the only television station did not disappoint with programs such as Dickens a Christmas story and Ring us up (a program where you could buy stuff on air, it was aired annually). My parents did not buy into all the Santa stuff but we lived in an area where pine trees were plentiful and we were more than glad to help our neighbors prune their hedges by pulling off branches and converting this into Christmas trees. Beyond the afore mentioned cotton wool. We made our own Christmas decorations. It was loads of fun. It saddens me to see what Christmas has become. Children no longer look forward to Christmas, no new clothes; no great get togethers, no special programs. Somehow over the years we have forgotten what Christmas is all about. For business people it is a time to maximize sales to make up for those two days when business is closed. Somehow that last week to Christmas everyone is hustling and jostling and there is no much cheer going on. Everyone wants to buy something last minute and the sales are a joke. For most stores, it is the time to get rid of all the dead stock. Back in the days, the mayor even put up a tree at the city centre and it was a treat for all kids, actually it was an outing to go to town and look up the mayor’s tree. A couple of years ago the mayor made an effort to resuscitate that tradition but the miserable looking half dead plant with a few balloons and strings of crepe paper was a sorry rendition. As a Christian, the saddest thing for me is not the loss of the mayor’s tree, or the many drunken parties or even the fact that for most employers Christmas is any other public holiday - a lose for business. The saddest thing is the loss of the spirit of Christmas. The whole reason for the season. I see it in my own attitude sometimes, more so like now with the helper gone off for Christmas and the hustle of making it special. I find myself short with the boys and their dad, because I have to put up decorations (which they had better not tamper with) and make cookies and other treats (which they cannot eat till Christmas morning). The focus for me is becoming more the one time occasion than the continued experience of God’s love and grace. I am so caught up in making the house look perfect in case of unexpected guests than ensuring my own kids enjoy the season. This year I will work at getting back some of the spirit of Christmas. I will choose not to focus on cleaning and on the one day but instead on the experience. I will choose to make it special by remembering the whole reason for the season: God’s precious gift of love. If my family is walking on eggshells, salivating over all the stuff that they would love to eat but cant because the schedule is not right, or have to eat with the saucer glued to their lips so as not to leave crumbs for me to clean, is it really Christmas for them? Isn’t the whole season about celebration of God’s gift? Well I guess that is all about to change. Today I will take time to remind the children what the Christmas story is about. I will take time to watch shows they enjoy and let them help me make stuff for all of us to enjoy and if I don’t get to clean the house just right and make a perfect meal that’s ok. I will teach them about Christmas and sharing and celebrating; not just by reading them the story, but by living it. I pray that the same will be your portion this Christmas. Have a merry blessed Christmas. I know I will!

Progeny

As the boys continue to grow I am constantly amazed over the fact that they are so different, both from each other and from Tony and I. I remember before becoming a parent I thought of a child as an extension of the parent. That was the only way I could comprehend this insatiable desire couples had for children, it was also the only way I was able to understand the cultural view of posterity. After our wedding, Tony and I took time before getting children and along the way he became seriously ill. I remember my mom and my best maid prevailing on me to reconsider our decision to wait before having children. “What if something happened to him?” they asked, “At least this way you would have a child to remind you of him.” At the time their arguments made a lot of sense and we went about the business of getting a progeny as soon as possible. However, in retrospect, I now realize that a child is so much more than a stamp of authenticity on a marriage (as some of our aunties seemed to suggest) or an extension of us. Rather children are their own unique people with their individual taste, likes and dislikes, and even looks. Because no matter how much a child resembles a parent or another child, there is something unique about them once you get to know them. I should know: my sister has identical twins. At first I thought they looked completely alike (as the name suggests) but in the four years they have been around and spending so much time in their presence, I now can tell them apart easily. The difference is so minute, almost indiscernible, but it is there none the less. Perhaps it is my imagination, I don’t know, all I do know however is that I can easily tell them apart. When my sister and I were much younger, people claimed we looked alike and we always wished we were twins so we could attend each other’s classes, switch dates, and more importantly fool our parents when one of us went awol. It seemed so easy, just switch outfits and pretend to be the other person. Perhaps it would have worked, I don’t know, but I highly doubt it. A parent somehow always knows their child. They are as different as fingerprints. This difference is becoming more evident in my sons as they continue to grow. One energizes through people and is more extroverted while the other enjoys his own company and can entertain himself for hours. One loves indoor games like me and is always game to play while the other would rather play outdoors. As a parent I have to be careful to take these differences in account as I deal with them. I need to realize that what works for one child does not necessarily work for the other; more so when it comes to punishment. I must be careful to treat each child as an individual. Sometimes this is not always convenient but it is very important. I learnt this lesson the hard way some years back. I had punished both Toriah and Tj to stay in separate rooms for ten minutes (a really long time for little children) at the time they were about six and four. For Tj the punishment was unbearable, he loves the company of people and when the time was up he was really remorseful. I could tell the punishment had taken effect. Toriah was a different story. I found him sitting happily on the bed in my room covered in lipstick and playing with my stuff. He was quite happy and did not seem to realize that he was under punishment. I realized quickly that what was effective for one was totally ineffective for the other. I have never tried that again. My encouragement to all parents is simply this. Take time to know your child as an individual and treat them as such. This way, you will be able to influence them and build a meaningful relationship that will survive the test of time.

Changing Times

I am currently taking a second Masters degree in Marriage and Family, some of the things that I have been learning in class have been an eye opener for me both as a parent and as a person who works with young people. The other day we were discussing rapid social change and how that has influenced the African family context. What do globalization and the emergence of alternative family systems, not to mention the rapid move to materialism, mean to the average family struggling to meet basic needs? The sad truth is that as more and more people begin to focus on upward mobility in terms of social and economic status, family takes the back burner. I have sat in forums where people with more than two children are looked at with pity and made to feel like they are poor planners. I have heard women apologize for carrying their third or fourth pregnancy as though they owe the world an apology for over populating it. I remember once being interviewed (it had to do with some of my pastoral responsibilities) and one of the panelists asked my husband and I how many children we had. When he found out we had two children. He congratulated us and told us we could stop at two and make sure we now concentrated on serving God. I found the comment, no matter how well intended patronizing and offensive. The man had no idea what our plan was, he did not know and did not bother to find out that both Tony and I wanted to have more children and believed that children were a gift and not a hindrance. I left the meeting heart broken, if this was the message being given from the church, what hope was there. This in my opinion could not be further from the truth given in the Bible that children are a gift from God. My sister has five children and truth be told I envy her that. It has not changed her; she is still a fashionista and eats life by the shovelful. Her house may not look like homes and garden, but it is full of life and love and my family loves hanging out there. She also holds no apologies for her number of offspring. “Look at it this way, when they are fully grown at least I will have someone dropping in at one time or the other” She likes to say. I have also not noticed much change in the quality of their life in terms of material things. They don’t eat fewer meals a day or go in rugs and before some of you readers assume she is some millionaire, she is not. She is your every day average Kenyan, a high school teacher at that. In a world that is full of negative messages and dire economic predictions. We need more of her: People who truly believe that children are a blessing and not an economic burden. That they add the zest to life. AS historians would remind us, one of the factors that led to the urbanization of most first world countries, including the USA, is a large population.